Wednesday, January 3, 2018

The flipping of a switch ▶


To say I rebelled against any and all rules would be an understatement.
It was like a high voltage regulator switch had been flipped when I turned 13.
I went from boiling anger inside, to acting out constantly. Mom tried every with me. Nothing worked. Since I had lived with an alcoholic dad for some years, and was around his friends who drank and did drugs, I despised alcohol and drugs. Mom went through the "Just Say No" speech.
She had ' The Talk' with me.
She educated me on many things that teens and young adults could be involved in.
We both thought I wouldn't have to worry about doing drugs or having sex out of marriage at age 13..
Yeah.. we were both Wrong.
Very wrong.
The fact I knew better and was taught better doesn't help matters. I'd like to say I was ignorant to sex,guys , drinking and drugs but I knew quite a bit about all of them. 
13 and having sex??! Smoking cigarettes and marijuana!?!? Guilty..
I started hanging around older teens and I followed the crowd.
My mom would say ,
" Tiffany, you cannot hang around anyone who does those things without you eventually doing it too. Bad company corrupts good manners and you have to watch the company you keep"
I mean, she read to me from the Bible about
Amnon, who had a friend named Jonadab, from
 2 Samuel 13
So I knew she was right. The Bible is never wrong. Nor was my mom when it came to so called friends or guys I was interested in. She was always right about them. So having been taught correctly and having a genetic history of addiction/alcholisim in my family you would think I would listen and stay away from certain people, places and things.. but I didn't. I was like a magnet for them. Let's face it,I attracted trouble.
It started out fun but that didn't last.
Once mom found out I had had sex at 13, she was crushed first. And then I was in hot water. I deserved my punishment. I felt I had to admit everything else that she didn't know about. Smoking pot. 
I would have rather taken an ass whippings verses what happened...
With huge tears coming down her face, she said " I am so disappointed in you. I thought I taught you better. Do you realize you're doing exactly what you've always been against"?
That killed me.
The guy I had slept with did exactly what Mom said he would. He cheated on me,used me and dumped me, all in under two weeks. 
I chilled out for awhile after that. Having hurt my mother so badly to the point of her being disappointed  in me, Really turned me down a notch..
But once I had earned her trust again, I started drinking... Ugh, I know, my poor mother.
I knew everything though. I knew what I was doing. Or at least I thought so. Because at 13 you're a genius... Mom would tell me my reputation was important. I didn't understand why. I didn't feel like anyone but her really cared about me so why would anyone care enough to notice anything about me or what I was doing to even have a reputation. Mom was right again. I was known as the wild chick who had already had sex. So that grabbed the attention of much older guys. Unwanted and uninvited attention.
I didn't know what would happen when I rode in a car with two people I had known since I was a child. I trusted them. 
Another of my many mistakes. That reputation my mom warned me about had gotten around and gave an impression I never intended. 
See, these people I trusted thought they could buy me alcohol ,get me drunk and I would sleep with one of them. 
That's what my stupid actions put off to them. 
I wasn't 'easy'. 
Yes I had had sex with one person two times but that didn't mean I would sleep with a lot of guys. 
That's what these people saw though.
Since I trusted them, I never thought I was putting myself in an awful situation that October night. 
One of those guys I  trusted was almost 3X my age. 
He came on to me and I freaked out and turned him down...
He forced himself on me numerous times that night while the other turned his head when he wasn't laughing and calling me a 'tease".
That night changed me in ways I never imagined.
I now know why so many stay silent.
I wasn't believed. It was my fault they said. 
So I dropped charges to protect others that would be involved. 
As if I wasn't messed up already.
I refused the alcohol they bought me that night. My gut feeling told me not too.
Looking back, I believe that was God, looking out for me yet again. Had I drank, I believe worse would have happened. Or maybe I would have been numb to it? I am not sure. I believe I made a right choice in not drinking that night. I do regret getting in that car though. Another thing my mom told me not to do. But I trusted them. The ones I trusted most, always ended up hurting me though. I always learned the hard way.
I let that night eat at me for along time. 
I didn't know how to deal with something of that magnitude. I was 13. Ironic that I thought I knew it all but yet, didn't know how to process something so insane. Everything changed after that. 
I ended up living with family, separate from my mom. (I would explain further,but I won't drag others into it and for privacy reasons for others)
I honestly felt abandoned. I blamed myself. 
Had I not gotten into that car, everything would have been ok... But I also have learned that nothing happens without a reason. And God always works the bad out and turns it around for your good. 
Then, though, that was the furthest thing from my 13 year old mind and heart.
That incident did slow my partying down. 
I learned to live with what happened to me that cold October night. I resumed going back to school like I had before. Had a on again,off again boyfriend and was as 'normal' as I could be.
Then I would have flashbacks and go right back to the events that had taken place and I was searching for a way to just not feel that anymore.
I would visit family who were like older friends, and start drinking. I was having fun.. or so that's what I thought it was at the time. 
Once again, mom's warnings went in one ear and out the other in my head. 
Drinking was only fun, at night. I wanted to feel better during the day also. And I for sure wasn't going to drink during the day.. that would be crazy..
So after a trip to the dentist for a root canal, I was given a prescription for pain. It hurt badly.
I had then filled and took a half of one after eating, just as the dentist suggested.
Thirty minutes later and the pain in my mouth was nearly gone. But what I noticed moreso was I felt amazing!! I was happy, I was in a good mood for once. I wasn't thinking about the crap hand I had been dealt..
And that's when a new monster was born. 
Another switch had been flipped.. a new and improved switch,that is. 
Even though the prescription was being monitored by adults, I found myself asking for the other half and then sneaking around to get another out of the bottle...
More dental work was already scheduled for the next few weeks and I was more than willing to go, knowing that now I would have a miracle that came in the shape of a pill...
I would take them before and during school, after school too.
When the bottle and appointments ran out, I would always find a way to find the newfound happiness I had been longing for and never knew I could find...
13 was my unlucky year that followed me for years to come and set the stage for future sabatoge and would resurface throughout my life in different forms...